A Hot Line For The Times

Taking a break from filing desperate lawsuits and ignoring our 10 million COVID cases, the impeached loser grotesquerie returns from golfing (again). Photo by Steve Helber/AP

The mad toddler rages on from his delusional bunker as the party he’s ravaged cowers, colludes, mutters lam excuses for their perfidy. Despite the lack of virtually any evidence of their much-touted “illegal votes” – maybe because, umm, they don’t exist – Republicans who left behind their backbones several years and many atrocities ago have stayed largely silent before the lies, with many timidly mumbling about “transparency” while failing to explain why Democrats who stole the election were so bad at criming they lost the Senate and let monstrosities like McConnell, Graham and Collins keep their jobs. As usual, McConnell was the most shameless: Emerging Monday from his slimy swamp, the guy who held a midnight impeachment trial with no witnesses and rammed through a Supreme Court justice days before an election without even a nod to legal, moral or political norms intoned that Trump was “100% within his rights” to look into “irregularities,” and who is this Joe person?

Joining the ranks of soulless faithful intent on ignoring reality are Rudy Giuliani – whose Four Seasons debacle, where his first speaker was a convicted sex offender, is still getting press and COVID reports from Johns Hopkins Total Landscaping Company – and the grifting goons at the Trump War Room urging surrogates to “Stay at the ready” and “DEFEND YOUR PRESIDENT” – “At a moment’s notice, we may need your help and support on the ground, you know, waving the flag and yelling the president’s name” – and oh yeah you could give us some money, too. All this, even though some uneasy Trumpsters admit the multiple lawsuits, the latest in Pennsylvania, seem “meritless”; the latest recounts in Georgia have only led to wider margins for Biden and denial by GOP officials there’s any evidence of fraud; and on Monday even Fox News’ Neil Cavuto cut away from Barbie Press Secretary’s latest lies about “illegal votes” to note there’s no evidence for such an “explosive charge” and he can’t “in good conscience” air it, which is admittedly four years too late but we’ll take it.

Still, the administration that never lets facts stand in the way of self-serving criminality trudges onward. Their new gimmick: What George Conway calls a “very, very, very, very serious” hotline to collect evidence of “voter suppression, irregularities, and fraud.” Despite a campaign statement the hotline “is proving to be very effective (for) thousands of Americans who had very concerning experiences while voting,” in the real world the line is proving to be “a nightmare,” with staffers at the Trump War Room – OMG that name – inundated by prank calls from TikTok and Twitter users, in part thanks to the ever-pesky Lincoln Project. “It’s important that people do not call 888-630-1776 unless they have important information,” Conway wrote when the line was first announced. “Also, they should *NOT*—repeat, *NOT*—provide info to the Trump voter fraud website http://djt45.co/stopfraud unless it’s significant.” “I believe @gtconway3d warned you not to call the Trump voter fraud hotline,” Rick Wilsonchimed in. “That would be so wrong. In their time of crisis, calling 1-888-630-1776 would distract them from their vital work.” Actually, so many did that Conway later noted the hotline had to change their number again and “Please DON’T call this new number (800) 895–4152.”

Snickering pranksters called to order pizza, report poopy ballots, describe suspicious sightings – of MAGA people yelling to stop the vote count, an obese turtle on its back flailing in the sun, a fat pasty MAGA-ite (cue photo of Trump) claiming he lives in Florida, someone named Vladimir who goes around shirtless on a horse, an old guy named Rudy who can’t tuck in his shirt standing up, a sinister figure in a dark cloak counting votes with, “One vote for Biden! Ha ha ha!” Two votes for Biden! Ha ha ha!” In D.C., someone reported “an orange! sort of a creamy orange, three foot nine, in a spacesuit.” There were many reports of fraud underway at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Gravity Falls creator Alex Hirsch reported, in the voices of his characters Soos and “Grunkle” Stan Pines, a Hamburglar-like fraudster stealing ballots: “So I saw a man, he walked into this building…He had a black hat, striped shirt and red tie. And I believe there were hamburgers in his bag…?” It was evidently a recurring crime; one weary Trumpster said, yeah, they’d heard about that guy. The best: A Philly woman called to say she didn’t get to vote for Trump because there was an Antifa guy at the polls – six-foot-four, chiselled cheekbones, magnetic green eyes – so hot she had to go home and “perform onanism.” Soon after, a distraught Philly man called from his car to report his wife missing; he’d heard there was an Antifa guy at the polls – six-foot-four, chiselled cheekbones, “green eyes you could walk into like a lush forest…” Many people wished their marriage well.