Super villain fish eye. Getty Image
Because God knows theres’s still plentiful weirdness lurking in the conspirational water, Jared Kushner – Waxen Wonder Boy, Possessed Ken Doll, merciless slumlord and former “senior-adviser” to his twice-impeached father-in-law – was just nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize by Trump/Epstein fanboy Alan Dershowitz, a sort of bad joke of the day likened to Hannibal Lecter nominating Jeffrey Dahmer for a Michelin Star. Jared and his deputy Avi Berkowitz received the low-bar, send-a-postcard-to-Norway honor – Hitler got it back in the day – for negotiating the “Abraham Accords,” a normalization pact between Israel and several Arab countries enabling the Saudis to continue fueling a deadly arms race in the region. Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman had long been courting Kushner, thus rendering him complicit in both the grisly murder of Jamal Khashoggi and the wounding and killing of countless Yemeni and Palestinian children.
Though it seems unlikely the uber- racist, apartheid-friendly Kushner lost much sleep over the carnage: Of his nominal so-called “peace plan” for the Middle East, one of his 782 “jobs” in the White House, he said it was “a great deal” and if Palestinians rejected it, “They’re going to screw up another opportunity like they’ve screwed up every other opportunity they’ve ever had.” The role here of Dershowitz – a longtime Zionist, defender of the indefensible likes of Trump and OJ, and groupie to Epstein (though he kept his underpants on) who argued at age 80 for lowering the age of consent to 14 – was so perfectly, ickily appropriate to spur the revival of the #CreepyDershowitz hashtag. Among hundreds of other nominations the Nobel Comiitte received, front-runners were reportedly Black Lives Matter, Greta Thunberg, WHO, Stacey Abrams and Russian dissident Alexei Navalny. May they please do the right thing.
Meanwhile, the nomination of the inept, corrupt Kushner, with his robotic smirk best captured in the famous Buckingham Palace grift, was met with such horrified laughter on Twitter people could barely get to their keyboards to note they didn’t have Jared’s Nobel on their 2012 Bingo Card because he’s scum of the earth; they didn’t realize you could buy a Nobel; they didn’t know criming for four years in the White House qualified you for same; they don’t think the guy who sent the Jewish Space Laser to earth even deserves noble cheese fries as much as their own mint juleps or garden gnomes; they’ll never forgive the longtime damage done by “Jared Fucktard Kushner’s pale, ghastly fingers” on the lives of countless poor people living in his crappy New York buildings as seen in the documentary “Dirty Money”; and if he actually gets it and the Sore Biggest Loser doesn’t again, seder could be really awkward this year.
Many aimed their fury at the arrogant shmuck who, tasked with slowing COVID, another job he was breathtakingly unqualified for and fatally screwed up – hence the Times’ headline, later changed, “Jared Kushner Is Going to Get Us All Killed” – haughtily referenced “our stockpiles” of PPE, “because nothing says peace like, ‘Fuck the blue states – let them die.'” Many also wondered if we know on which black market Jared allegedly sold our missing piles of PPE and 8,722 ventilators and 20 million vaccine doses after he got done selling the ragged remains of his soul to the devil. Jared’s so despised one guy mulled if he’d be the first person nominated for both a Nobel and life in prison – though “shouldn’t both honors be withheld until he reaches puberty?” – and one prompted a lively debate pondering if Jared would steal a life jacket from a toddler – a million yeses, along with mark-ups, riding the kid for buoyancy, selling the jacket to the Saudis. In a final assault on decency, news comes that Jivanka, the tawdry two of ’em, made between $23,791,645 and $120,676,949 in outside income last year despite their busy schedules as “advisers” and sellers of vaccines and state secrets. Because, bottom-line, lest we forget: #TrumpCrimeFamily.