Pierre L'Enfant Did It

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L’Enfant’s original plan

As over several days Democrats have systematically presented devastating, overwhelming, irrefutable evidence of Trump’s incitement of the Capitol riot, ever-cogent right-wing media has likewise offered compelling proof of his innocence. LOL. Just kidding. Actually, while GOP Senators wildly flail to invent non-existent excuses to acquit, their pet media outlets have gone one desperate level further by constructing preternaturally deranged theories about the reality so awkwardly laid out before them. On Newsmax, Alan Dershowitz argued Trump didn’t incite but “invite” as others insisted Democrats are “lying, exaggerating and making it up.” On Fox News – Chyron: “We’ve seen this false narrative before” – a hyperventilating Tucker Carlson shrieked “the known facts bear no resemblance to the story they’re telling” which is just like when BLM “and their sponsors in corporate America” lied about George Floyd, who died of a drug overdose, “to bum-rush America into overturning the old order.” Finally – tough call, but still – One America News Network took the phantasmagorical cake with their version of the riot. The crux of their “argument“: “There is NO evidence to suggest that President Trump coordinated with city officials to create some sort of route for protesters to go from the White House to the U.S. Capitol,” they said. “Furthermore, it was, in fact, Pierre L’enfant (sic), the architect of Washington D.C. around 200 years prior to the event of January 6, who designed the city to ensure that all roads led to to the beacon of democracy he placed at the center of the city – Capitol Hill.”

Online, there was much more, largely, viciously focused on Dems’ “hypocrisies.” With the riot upon them, Eric Swalwell texted his wife and kids but what about his alleged mistress who’s a Chinese spy? Stacey Plaskett only introduced 23 bills in Congress but here she was “making as much noise as she could.” They even dragged in Alexander Hamilton: “Immigrants – we get the job done!” Don’t ask. Just know: Trump didn’t “coordinate” with officials – he just repeatedly told the mob to go down there – and Pierre L’Enfant, whom George Washington hired in 1791 to design D.C.’s roads, is to blame for them marching down those same roads 230 years later! Besides, L’Enfant was reportedly kinda headstrong: He got into trouble when he demolished a higher-up’s house that stood in the way of his design, arguing to Washington it was all good because “I proceeded from principle” – Listen up GOP – and besides, he “kindly” asked the guy if he’d prefer destroying his home himself. In truth, L’Enfant’s elegant, ambitious design for D.C. amidst what was then wilderness remains much admired and adhered to, most notably for its egalitarian ideals; he placed Congress on the grandest spot, which in Europe was historically reserved for the leader’s palace. Still, Twitter noted, “Blame the French.” Or the Jewish laser/Chavez/ Castro. Also, the Capitol shouldn’t have dressed that way, Infrastructure Week would have fixed those roads, that first fish that flopped onto land knew where this would end, Impeach French Fries, if all roads lead to Rome that makes Trump Caeser, and this is better than planting Obama’s birth certificate in a Hawaiian paper 60 years ago….”Wait. L’enfant. Child. Birth certificate….It all makes sense!” So does this, from Constitutional law scholar Laurence Tribe: “Now the Senate is on trial. To acquit itself, it must convict Donald J. Trump.”

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Seditionist L’Enfant

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